It’s that time of year again everyone. That’s right, Jeffrey has gone about a stringent and difficult ‘combing-through’ of his life’s friends and acquaintances. How does one come up with a list of only 15 people in a life so vibrant and full of otherworldly wonder? A 12 pack of PBR, some gourmet roasted peanuts, half of a pack of charcoal filtered Belmonts , and the cold, life affirming pleasure of Jersey Shore (it numbs the senses). Not to mention the blood, sweat and tears of a man who truly appreciates the real life awesomeness he sees in his humdrum day to day. The glory of small town Southern Ontario, and the infinite potential for intrigue, intelligence and moxie, stifled and left stagnant by the ever growing menace of main stream media. So ladies and gentleman, in retaliation to People Magazine and that horse shit drivel Entertainment Weekly pumps out, prepare thine eyes and thine minds for a delightful trip down the 2011 road of beautiful people in Jeff’s Life. Fuck you, Rick Campanelli.

15. Matt McNea

Have you ever felt confident? Successful? Ever had one of those days where you feel like the cock of the walk and you want everybody’s business to be all about yours? Well, Matt here is there to tear it all away from you, smiling with pleasure as his well placed glib remark rips you from your self assured feeling of security and positivity. With the rapier wit and razor sharp ability to cut anyone down to size in any situation, Matt has raised my eyebrow on so many occasions this year. Never have I been so humbled in moments of glory by this man, and to round out the top 15 of the most intriguing, Mathew Gordon McNea wins out.  Matt excels at doing physical labour as fast as humanly possible. Never have I seen a stroke of the leaf rake sweep through a thick layer of matted leaves so swiftly, nor the sure and steady guidance of a heavily laden wheelbarrow, brimmed with the discards of an unworthy topsoil so speedily dispatched from a client’s backyard. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Crimson Leaf Landscaping’s Head of Maintenance takes his job fucking seriously. And so, this exemplary behavior trickles downward to Matt’s underlings, like his idiot brother Alex, and that weird kid named Brock who cries at the drop of a hat and shits his pants… We’re all made of excellence, and McNea is one of the reasons why. To you good sir, I wish continued fervor in the arena of insults and self esteem lowering, and a happy new year, dick.

14. Paige Stewart

Paige was the first girl I ever met at University. Together we would romp and frolic the majestic Guelph Campus, skipping and laughing, collecting botanical plant samples, commenting rigorously on the personal appearance of ugly people, and ripping new assholes for those looser hick Aggie fucks that came to class drunk. All whilst getting shit faced every single night of the week. Fuck yeah. A delight in the presence of many, Paige has the uncanny ability to rock the tightest clothing I’ve ever seen, changing in and out of outfits at record speeds, as well as having strikingly perky breasts and lengthy legs… If given a pen or pencil, Paige can recreate just about any image you can conjure on command, even a top notch rendering of one of Georgia O’Keefe’s sexualized flower paintings, or even a Turner landscape… She’s just that talented. If Walt Disney were still alive, I’d have a mind that the father of Mickey Mouse would hire her in a goddamn heartbeat. Paige is one of the best friends a guy could have, and to her I send wishes of love and success for 2012. The #14 spot goes to her. Yay!

13. Dennis Wilson

Dennis Wilson is a man I’ve known for some time. Recently married and the father of two delightful twin boys, Dennis has landed himself on the path to financial security and recession proof employment in the trades sector. But what a lot of you reading this don’t realize is that he’s also training to become the next light heavyweight champion in the UFC. Dennis was born in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, where he was trained from birth in Judo and Jiu Jitsu. His father would beat him with a hardened wooden cane and barbed chains as a child, feeding him only small portions of sticky rice and a varied assortment of insects for protein and vitamins. Dennis’ small electrified enclosure constructed next to the Amazon River by his abusive father would be constantly at risk of attack by jungle dwelling predators like Jaguars and Cobra snakes. In defense, Dennis would simply employ his mixed martial art expertise and break the neck of aggressive big game, or rend and devour the scaly flesh of the attacking serpents, providing him with the missing protein his insignificant rice diet could not afford… A true warrior, bred from the wilds of the Brazilian jungle, Dennis has hardened himself for the Octagon, a product of surviving the harsh underground fighting world of Brazil he escaped from, 6 short years ago. I love you Dennis Wilson, you and your prize-winning arm bar submission move and aggressive grappling technique. Happy New Year, Dennis ‘The Rio Ripper’ Wilson.

12. Annie De Grey

Planet Earth is by far a better place with this beautiful rolling stone, tumbling around its wondrous exterior. Annie is like Alan Ginsberg, Ken Kesey, Janis Joplin and Rosemary Leary all rolled into one fabulous person. Annie has spent the last year hitchhiking and trekking across Canada to places like Nelson and Canmore. Blown by the wind or influenced by the literal constructions of Tom Robbins, Annie is one of those down to earth, wholesome girls that knows what he fuck is happening in the world and wont hesitate to give you the gears when you’ve been a dick, or said some outlandish selfish bullshit. Annie is like a smiling, joyful chunk of exuberance, and I wouldn’t be the somewhat humbled man I am today of it weren’t for her. I’d feel damned lousy if she wasn’t apart of my life, and #12 goes to her.

11. Kelsey Atkinson-Derasp

Kelsey fascinates me. She’s a quadriplegic English undergrad at the University of Guelph, and she garnishes high marks without the ability to type or write consistently (with my help of course). I have never met someone with a larger comic book collection, video game collection or the ability to complete the most difficult Portal puzzle in record time. One time I started talking about how much I loved Superman and Spiderman while we were discussing super heroes. Then she told me how much Clarke Kent and Peter Parker acted like pussy losers, and that they needed to grow a pair of balls before they could measure up to Bruce Wayne’s pimpin’ steez. She has the foulest mouth an innocent person like her might have, not to mention the incredible guts and nerve of plowing through a crowd of student pedestrians trying to get to class in her high powered, off road electric chair, stone cold and determined to win the race against the able bodied fucks in front of her. For 2012, I wish Kelsey a solid graduation, and high hopes for a future in Video Game Development, something that gets her out into the world, and not cooped up in a small apartment in Guelph. Cheers Kelsey, you kick fucking ass.

10. Todd Morrow

Handsome Todd. Never have I met a more bitter English student. A man who hates his program with such passion and zest, that for some reason, he fits paradoxically well within the maddening confines of a Canadian Literature classroom, just so everyone around him can hear the utter poetry of his hatred and discontent at the ‘bullshit’ he is listening to. Todd is a strait up Christian badass. He rides a motorcyle, and sports tattoos that shrink my penis. He is also a fighter, with what looks like a right hand that could remove the chromium from some loser punk’s 1986 Cadillac Seville with one swipe. He is muscly and tough all right, yet he is sensitive, loving and a hopeless romantic, awww. He’s one of those guys ladies would just love to bring home to Mom for quiche and rosé, then go fuck the shit out of on his motorcycle listening to Slayer… If called to battle, Todd and I would fight valiantly side-by-side, annihilating anything in our path, and then eating it afterwards, blood, bone fragments and hair smeared across our faces… Then we would go home and have sex with our girlfriends and meet for beers afterwards, giving each other high fives and discussing the existence of God and the inner workings of faith and nihilism. To Handsome Toddy Tickles, I present the #10 spot, a perfect cap to an epic list of beautiful people. God bless you, kind sir.

9. The Underdown Siblings.

Do you remember in Anchorman when Ron Burgundy says he’s going to have a family band, and that he is going to roam the countryside with them and that Brick, Brian and Champ aren’t invited? Well, these kids are just like that band. Clad in robust 1970’s matching pants suits, wearing colourful headbands with flowers in their hair, playing flutes, harps and fiddles… Julian has the voice of an angel, like Gabriel foretelling the birth of John the Baptist and Jesus from on high… His version of Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan this summer lit a fire within my heart that’s still burning strong. Margot is like Cher when she was young and extremely beautiful and still able to hold a tune… She’s so regal, and her fashion advice is spot on, plus she’s like the mother hen, everyone loves hens, I know I do…  And then there’s the delightfully adorable Vivien. A shining beacon of cuteness that can be compared to rolling The Land Before Time, the The Fox and the Hound, and Thumper from Bambi all into a cute little innocent ball, with rosy cheeks. But the star of course is Flynn the Dog, a gentle, yet mammoth dark haired beast with a heart of gold. A valiant soul who was taken perhaps too soon from everybody this year. He was like Falcor from The Never Ending Story! Sometimes I would imagine I was Atreyu, riding him like a magic Luck Dragon, fighting against the Nothing and saving the Princess and the Ivory Tower from evil! To all of you I wish a fantastic year, and perhaps a full world tour of your wonderful ’70s style band with Ron Burgundy ‘n’ Friends… Cheers kids, you made my list, you’re cool cats.

8. Cody Hawes

Cody is the fist person to be inducted into the most intriguing list twice, and back-to-back to boot (except for Annie, but that’s different). Cody is like a country homestead in the fall, with a wood stove burning, apple pie cooling on the windowsill and hundreds of cats roaming the yard and wooded thicket just outside. Cody is going to be a radio personality for the CBC, I can feel it. She’ll be the next Sheila Rogers, interviewing famous authors about their books from places all over the world, plus a deluxe interview from the top of a light house in Halifax, with some famous bearded author guy that’ll take her out for dinner after and tell her its ok to have hundreds of cats, then bone her… Doesn’t that sound nice? I owe a monstrous debt of personal troubles and griping to this girl and an encore spot in the list is well deserved. Jimmy Jazz Trivia Tuesdays have been the feather in my cap so far this year at l’ecole. Thanks for makin’ my bed, feeding me breakfast and being so lovin’ good to me. XOXOXOXOXOXOX

7. The Love Gloves

A band of merry men with the combined skill on the baseball field matching the likes of Kelly Gruber and Juan Guzman from the 1993 Blue Jays World Series win. But only Kelly Gruber and Juan Guzman, any more talent and we’d be pushing it. That’s right, we’re pretty horrible, but fuck can we turn at least one double play a season. For some ungodly reason, in the past two years, the Love Gloves have managed to get all the way to the championship series at the end of the season, only to lose out to some surly fucks who drink too much and had kids too early… There’s a sense that we’re revered in the league as wild men, drunk with arrogance and high on a false sense of talent and good looks. At least I feel that way. Most of these boys I’ve grown up with, others, I’ve forgotten their full names…. But there is a real and tangible sense of camaraderie. There’s nothing like fielding a speeding softball on a baseball diamond fit for the crew of the Jolly Roger, I mean fuck, its like sacrificing your bottom row of pearly whites for an underfunded city relic, punctuated by spot lights that blind you, just as the ball reaches your unprotected skull in the outfield… It’s because of the Love Gloves that I’ve come to enjoy the smooth, white supremacist flavor of Pabst Blue Ribbon. A dollar a beer is ok in my books… This is my tribute to you boys, the Love Gloves, a fitting pseudonym for a condom. Cheers fellas, next season we’ll take it all, I can feel it in my bones.

6. Caitlin Faragher

It’s a pleasure and delight to pay tribute to number 6 on my list. Caitlin is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met. With a smile that shines like the sun, her presence is like the warm familiarity of Christmas morn, or that time you tasted ice cream for the first time, or even that time you realized you could purchase the boxed set of Fraggle Rock on Amazon.com for half price! Caitlin is like adding salt to a meal, without her, there’s just no flavor in life. I mean, how can I not have flavour? I have skillfully spared the #6 spot for a girl that fills mine heart with the joys of a thousand mornings and the ability to look really good in almost any picture that is taken of her, from any angle, in just about any light. I mean, you’d have to catch her taking a shit to get a fouled print… Just sayin’. To you m’lady, I bestow a year filled with success, warmth and kindness of only the highest caliber and quality. Keep on keepin’ on sister, you’re the cat’s pyjamas.

5. Conor Hedley

This cat’s the shit. A world-class English student with writing skills rivaling the hard-boiled fiction greats of the ‘30s and ‘40s, like Hammett and Cain. Makes me jealous. Conor is a wicked bad photographer as well, making pretty pictures for fashion designers and skate board punks alike. Conor and I seem to share the same mindset when it comes to school; go to class, but leave all the work to the last fucking moment, and still pull of high marks and earn respect from professors. This year we saw the likes of a self-absorbed teaching asshole. A thespian prick, acting out scenes of Shakespeare in a disgusting melodramatic display each class, stroking his own ego for all to lament and falsely applaud. Disgusting. In contrast, we both experienced the wonder and oddity of a professor who knows just about everything, and I mean everything. If you think of something, anything, Gregor Campbell will have an anecdote that relates exactly what your speaking of to some kind of theory or criticism, be it tampons, Karl Marx or Vogue Magazine. The guys a goddamn sponge of information. I see Conor becoming a successful writer in the future, perhaps a journalist, a photo journalist even, but who knows, all I can say is I dig this kid, and he makes some days at school so much more pleasant than not. Happy New Year, fucker.

4. Ania Mallard

An enigma and a joy, Ania Mallard is but the icing on the cake in my English program. Unique is an understatement. She’s stylish, good lookin’, smart as fuck, and very well written. I’ve never met a girl with a passion for Star Wars as thick and viscous as this one. If I were as hairy as Chewbacca (I know this sounds weird), I’d feel safe in knowing that I could mate and reproduce smaller, yet equally as hairy and intelligent offspring with Ania. She would be my Han Solo (except Han Solo is a dude…. I get it). She’ll understand… Ania seems to break free from the uncomfortable norms you get from the ‘masses’ at school. I would very much hope for her sake that I see much more of her in the next year, for we are both kindred spirits, lovers of science fiction, fans of Carl Sagan and feminist theory, and we look really good while we’re at it. Keep it fucking real Ania, you make a nasal septum piercing sexy as hell.

3. Mikey Riddell

Micheal Jordan Riddell is quite a fella. His taste and style are original, different, he opens my eyes to seeing things differently; be it fashion, design or even photography, of which I’ve had a hand at helping him develop this year. Mikey’s had a successful year. After living in his car for most of it, he earned a job at The Design Exchange in Downtown Toronto, a hot spot for fashion events and design culture in all of Canada. Fuckin’ kudos right there my friend. He was able to move into town into the belly of the beast, and now the city should work its magic and carry this guy to places he deserves to go. Good things are on the horizon for this cat, personal ventures and new interior design jobs that should open doors for continued success up the ladder to the top. Don’t quit now brother, the light keeps getting stronger. Have a look out for this guy in the future. Happy New Year bro, #3 is yours.

2. Justin MacLean

With the soaring height and arm span of a giant man the likes of myself, MacLean comes in at #2. He’s got a winning smile, abs of steel and if your looking for concise and well-written analysis on the UFC scene, give Justin here a ring and he’ll talk your ear off. Feeling shabby at the bar? No problem, Happy Flask Man here is at your rescue; just a couple splashes from his magic flask cures any ailment or bar type affliction. Super! Are you feeling ambiguously gay, yet you’re the most heterosexual person you know? Hang out with Justin and his good buddy Eric, they’ll make you feel comfortably homo-social on any occasion, they stay up late on weeknights! Justin has a powerful thirst for seeking out the most fun in just a few short hours that the nighttime provides for a nocturnal beast such as he. If you have 6 hours to party harder than Robert Downy Junior in 1996, Justin will make damn sure you’re well equipped and well on your way to depravity, debauchery and the guy’s got a high leg kick that rivals Mike Vanderjagt when he played for the Colts! How can I not have this guy as number two? But seriously folks, in the last year I’ve come from the outskirts of Justin Town to living right at City Hall, making Council meetings almost weekly to discuss women, religion, current events, alcohol and even more women. Here’s to a good dude. Cheers sir, the coveted #2 goes to you.

1. Aubrey Underdown

Aubrey’s my main squeeze. She and I are like peas and carrots. She’s Bonnie and I’m Clyde, I’m Harry she’s Loyd? You see? Yep, if I were a sandwich, she would be the tangy zip of Miracle Whip, all creamy and slathered all over my delicious focaccia bread, rich with 5 healthy grains and full of nutritious fiber (I’m healthy). The sprinkles to my icecream, the icing on my cake, the jelly filling inside my vanilla strawberry jam doughnut. She is the oxygen carried by hemoglobin through my blood stream, allowing me to type these poetic words and smell pretty flowers, or yell loudly at senior citizens. She sums up the definition of pretty, I mean sheesh, look at that delightful punim. Don’t you just wanna squeeze it and take a little bight out of it? I sure do. To every beastly hairy freakish man like myself, there must be a delightful, sunny and far less hairy counterpart, and by golly she’s the one. I’d give 10,000 dollars if she were ever kidnapped, any more and I’d be broke, so 10,000 it is, no offense. Also, she spills everything, its really fucking annoying, I have stains all over my clothes and shit, and sometimes I get really worried when I have expensive electronics around her, she might pour a whole glass of cola on them… It’s nerve racking. But that was a digression and I apologize. Aubrey makes my world go round, and to her I have reserved the #1 position on my list of the most intriguing. I’m just so fucking intrigued, I just hope I stay that way, and that she doesn’t run away with an illegal immigrant named Raul. It’s a legitimate fear…. I’m smitten.

And so ends my list of the most intriguing. A cunning way of thanking and pointing out the good people in my life. I hope everyone had a good year, I sure did, and the next one will be just as super awesome as this one was, I assure you all. Check out last years list and the year before, its a Jeff Dalgleish tradition that should last until I die, but get progressively less hilarious and more pessimistic as time passes. Happy New Year, losers!